However, the citizens of the internet seem to have a very short memory. Her treatment by gay marriage advocates up until very recently has, in my mind, served as an important metaphor for the way in which many LGBTQI people have felt marginalised by the very debate that is supposed to be their salvation.
As a queer myself, I've sometimes felt little to no ownership over mainstream advocacy for gay marriage, and have resented the assumption that I'm a walking representative for what the gays want. Perhaps never moreso than when Wong was seen to equivocate over a same-sex marriage-related question on Q&A. Twitter, and the live audience, blew up in a fury of indignant rage. "But she's a gay!", said every heterosexual leftie on Twitter. "She is the worst hypocrite", said gay-who-pays-his-taxes-and-just-wants-to-be-normal. "I want to marry my dog plus 3 different characters from Sailor Moon, why she so silent?", said absolutely nobody at all, but somehow that's what Cory Bernardi heard.
Seeing Wong being publicly torn down supposedly to defend my rights was singularly disgusting. She’s clearly had to make some heartbreaking choices between silence and dissent. This is a choice all politicians have to make from time-to-time in the Westminster system: see Turnbull's 'no' vote yesterday, or the way in which poor old Tony Abbott has had to silence himself as Opposition Leader on issues such as the status of other people’s hymens.
In the face of the elephant-in-the-room hypocrisy of the tolerance squad (see everyone who spoke against same-sex marriage yesterday who later pretended they were disgusted by Bernardi's comments), I really think the treatment of Wong, up until she was finally given free voice after a shift in ALP policy, has ranged from ridiculously unfair to absolutely abhorrent. Wong made an active and considered choice to enter parliament and contribute to a broad set of issues, but as The Gay Minister, audiences, pundits and voters insisted on forcing her to lend voice to the movement for marriage equality.
Sometimes, I was one of the first people to wish she would. But beyond Penny Wong’s struggles in what is an increasingly banal and depressing excuse for a centre-left party, there are some complex and troubling issues.
Most of my straight friends are shocked when I tell them even my most quotidian tales of homophobic harassment – and these are smart, actively involved people. All of them are strongly in favour of legalising same-sex marriage, and they may well be right – as an issue of equality, it is essentially wrong and offensive that one set of citizens are denied the rights that others enjoy, and are valued less than other citizens.
But what’s also offensive is the assumption that all queers, including Penny Wong, must by definition be actively pro-gay marriage. There are a number of reasons to oppose it, feminist critiques of marriage not least of all. But mostly, for me, when you’re in a pub minding your own business and you’re cavalierly sexually harassed on the basis of your comfortable shoes, or even when a gang of 18-year-old Gold Coast hipsters walk past and command you with unassailable glee to make out with your partner, you do question how important gay marriage really is. And I’m just an anonymous urban geek with short hair and glasses – I can’t imagine what Penny Wong’s been through in the dark recesses of the Labor boys’ club.
Don’t get me Wong (oh, I went there) – I’m all in favour of the freedom for everyone to get married if that’s what they want. Go nuts! Get Gay Married, Gay Pregnant, have Gay Anniversary dinners or even get Gay Divorced. Be happy and fulfilled.
But it’s hard not to feel that gay marriage is an issue that’s fought out among mostly straight people on radio, in opinion pages and by the watercoolers. Most of these people have phantom gay friends to justify their position (I sometimes wonder if Tony Abbott wishes he could say His Wife Margie was a lesbian, in the same way that, during the last election, he shockingly revealed that she’s a woman). We’ve lost control of our own agenda and I, for one, want it back.
What we need are some far deeper conversations. For gay marriage to really mean anything we need to also talk about the day-to-day realities glossed over or ignored by the subtly homophobic politicos of the mainstream. There’s no point in saying ‘End Homophobia’ when no one talks about the realities of it.
On a personal level, it doesn’t bother me that Tony Abbott doesn’t see my relationship as legitimate – I don’t see his entire suite of policies as legitimate so how you like them apples Tonebag? What I don’t want is to be a quasi-public figure open to harassment, assault and probing personal questions every time I go out. I don’t want everyone to assume that I want to get married – any more than Julia Gillard does. I want to dress the way I want to dress, and cut my hair how I want to cut it (or not cut it, as the case may be. Sorry Mum). I want the freedom to adopt and/or be a legal parent of any children I might have. I want to be able to identify with whatever gender – or lack of gender – I choose. I want my genderqueer and transgender friends to be able to own a passport that represents who they are, without being forced to have invasive and expensive surgery they don’t even necessarily want.
But I especially don’t want to sit in front of the TV watching politicians piously devaluing me on the one hand, and self-declaring their ‘tolerance’ on the other. I don’t want to be tolerated and, while I welcome solidarity, I don’t think it’s for heterosexual people to decide whether or not I feel denigrated by their words and their policies.
But more deeply, this is where it really gets tricky. In their manner of rejecting same-sex marriage, political leaders and the political literati reinforce the mentality that keeps people in the closet, and fosters the sociopathy of homophobic violence (whether verbal or physical). By saying gay relationships are lesser, there are real impacts. There are kids sitting at home right now despairing about their sexual desires in part because they had a vision of themselves with a home, and a spouse, and children of their own. We need to change the way we talk about gay marriage, but to do this, we need to change the way we talk about, and to, gay people.
At the same time, Penny Wong merely existing as an Australian Senator, let alone in a senior role in the Government's ministry, should serve as significant inspiration to those same kids. And we should be drawing attention to that fact.
The legitimacy of our varied identities – at least for those who don’t know us – is far too often made or broken by heterosexual strangers. Our diversity is denied by softcore lefties who rushed to criticise Wong or even expected her to have a clear and satisfactory answer to this complex issue. Like most queers, I want to be respected but I also want to forge my own path in the world. As do all human beings.
Contrary to popular belief, the right to marry is not the last bastion of discrimination. I’m extraordinarily grateful to Penny Wong for her dignified and unassuming openness about her family life. We should all be respectful of her strength, and the achievement involved in an a) Asian b) lesbian c) woman making it to such an influential and public position, subject to such scrutiny and vitriol.
We should all be particularly impressed by the bravery, patience and dignity she has clearly exercised in influencing the ALP party room over what I'm sure were long and difficult years.
While we may freely and vigorously disagree with the ALP’s - and especially Gillard's - stance on gay marriage, the forced restraint in Penny Wong’s historical approach to the issue is a socio-political problem; an issue with the political system we inhabit, and the social cannibalism that feeds it. Let's not forget that when all is said and done, Penny Wong is a pioneer who should be remembered for years to come as holding a central place in Australian history through the brave but simple act of turning up to work every day.
*If there's some kind of blogging award for most strained pun, I think I just won it.
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